Do you think she’s in her late thirties or early forties? How often do we guesstimate someone’s age? All the time. At my age, the obsession of looking young/old for your actual biological age becomes fanatical. So to make this job easier, I thought I would devise a little test which will accurately pin down whether a woman is under 40 or over 40. I realise this is of no great consequence nor life-changing in anyway but it’s kept me amused for the last half an hour and on a Monday I’ll run with anything that I find semi-amusing.
So, here goes, a woman is over 40 if…
– she has begun to express a desire to or has actually started to visit garden centres on a regular basis. The odd trip to a garden centre to buy a ready planted-up hanging basket does not count and should be taken as a sure sign that a woman is still in her thirties. The sign to look out for that this has been replaced with regular and much longer visits is the acquisition of a garden centre loyalty card.
– she suddenly cuts a fringe into her hair. This budget Botox alternative is a desperate attempt to cover up the wrinkles on the forehead but is almost as obvious an admission of ageing as the inability to raise your eyebrows after Botox.
– she has a glass of water for every glass of wine. This is a combination of middle age sensible, responsible behaviour and a morbid fear of the forties’ hangover. Although largely effective at avoiding the “hammer in the brain” feeling the next morning (and for the next 5 days when you are over 40), it does have the rather undesirable side effect of requiring numerous bathroom visitations through the night.
– she visibly shudders at the mention of wearing little shorts with opaque tights underneath. Never in the history of fashion to my mind has there been a trend which is so not designed for the over 40s. Any woman sporting this trend is either under 40, an ex-supermodel or frankly delusional.
– she knows exactly who Morten Harket and John Taylor from Duran Duran are. Say no more. Enough said. She also knows who Harry Styles is but is acutely aware that she is old enough to have gone through school, university, two years of a job and then given birth to him.
– she remembers writing SWALK and LOL (original meaning) on letters. She also can’t quite bring herself to writing ‘u’ for ‘you’ and ‘4’ for ‘for’ when texting and always texts in full sentences – noun, verb, object etc.
– she always tries to stay in on either Friday or Saturday night. The ability to manage two nights out in a row significantly diminishes after the age of 40 and becomes nigh on impossible after 45. Anyway, staying in with a bottle of wine, a takeaway and Ant and Dec on the TV is ideal, isn’t it?
– she remembers when the Blue Peter garden got vandalised and it couldn’t just be fixed with double-sided sticky tape and “who shot JR?”. These were her first encounters with crime.
– she suddenly understands the point of a lip liner pencil. Having always thought it was yet another one of those beauty cons, she now realises that without it she runs the risk of being mistaken for a clown in Billy Smart’s Circus.
– Finally, she starts blogging and banging on about it being her time now….
Having a rare night where I find myself actually sitting eating dinner on my own at rhe table, having tucked youngest in bed, eldest still out at a sports club, hubby en-route to pick her up (he had 2 go as I quickly managed to start sipping the
2nd glass of wine (please don’t anyone ask the time!) so he had to be the driver tonight! I enjoyed my dinner whilst reading you latest article…feeling quite chuffed with myself that I only run past the local garden centre on my 10k route and certainly have not even had an urge to stop and go in to purchase bedding plants! Then my heart fluttered remembering posters on my bedroom wall of A-ha, not ever wanting to miss an episode of Dallad and signing all my letters with SWALK! Bless I bought …but as for all the rest…no fringe planned….if I had the slim pins (and not the thunder thighs) I wouldn’t think twice of wearing the little black hot pants! And as I said earlier I’m on my second glass of Sav..but have only had half a glass if water….so maybe, just maybe I’m thinking tonight I’m about 35 not turning twenty twice plus 2!!
Ps look at the mother too! My mum had fantastic genes and looks at least 10 years younger…it goes without saying I’m get daughter!!!
Spot on – especially liked the garden centre one.
And agree with the previous comment re genes. Went to see Joan Collins live recently (a link to my review on my blog, if you’re interested) and she looked amazing – but then, as a young actress she did too – bone structure.