Another year, another load of wrinkles on my face and the likelihood of me being Prime Minister is fading fast.
Fear not, just because I probably (definitely) won’t reach those dizzying heights, it does not mean that I can’t dream about what my agenda for change would be. I’m not going to bother with all the things that really matter to people – health, education, housing etc – I’ll leave it to those in power to deal with those issues – but I shall concentrate on the rather more minor (indeed some might say irrelevant) issues which affect (annoy) me and my kin. So this is what I want sorted (said in a “Phil and Grant from EastEnders” voice):
– Store/Reward Cards: what could possibly be wrong with them you ask? Nothing – they’re a great idea but there are just too many of the b***** things. My purse is unable to shut – not through any great personal wealth, just a million reward cards. It goes one of two ways for me depending on whether there is a queue of people behind me at the till – either I have to conduct a full and thorough search of every pocket in my wallet and my handbag to locate the correct reward card (only attempted when the queue is less than 2 people) or I don’t bother looking and accept the receipt, nodding vigorously when told that I can bring the receipt with me next time and have the points added to my card then – come on, does anyone do that? Surely, in the age of phenomenal technology someone can produce one card that stores all the reward points for various shops on it. I’d have a go at creating one myself if my technological expertise extended beyond endlessly recreating new passwords for various sites for which I have forgotten the original one.
– Self-service checkout tills: one word – scrap! They don’t work and nowhere is this better demonstrated than in one of my local shops where the self-service checkout till is manned full-time by a member of the shop staff – self-defeating rather than self-service. Add to this that “unknown item in the bagging area” makes me feel irrationally violent and more pre-disposed to self-harm than self-service and it seems quite clear to me that they were a crap idea (like the taxi lane on the M4) and should be quietly but swiftly removed.
– Recycling/bin collections: I know this won’t make me popular with environmentalists but if I’m really honest I yearn for those days when I could just dump everything in one bin. As it is, I spend (waste? bad pun) time every day debating (internal dialogue ) whether such-and-such is recyclable and if it is which particular recycling bin should it go in. Then there is the “should I rinse it?” issue and the constant low level anxiety that you’ve got it all wrong. As for the food waste bins, I’m sure I’m not the only one who regrets, on a twice weekly basis, overfilling the kitchen caddy and then having to transfer it to the outside bin without it splitting all over me and having to revisit all of the last week’s meals.
– Too small parking spaces: when I am out and about and not worrying about my refuse issues, this vexes me hugely. Multi-storey car parks have become a minefield of worry and questions – “If I get into that space, will I be able to get out again?”, “If I get into that space, will I be able to get out of my car?”, “If I get into that space and out of my car, will I be able to get back in my car when I return?”, “If I get into that space, will the person parked next to me be able to get back in their car?” and so it goes on. It’s high time that we accept that cars are bigger now and scrub out the old lines and get one of those little wheely things that draws white lines and make parking spaces bigger.
I know what you’re thinking, she’s always moaning. What about something positive? OK, well here we go – if I were elected to serve, then these are two programmes I would put in place for the benefit of the people of this country: Firstly, free watches for all builders, plumbers and tradesmen with a free course on telling the time and the importance of time management. 9 o’clock means 9 o’clock not 12 o’clock or even 9 o’clock three days later. Secondly, an admittedly niche proposal, which came to me this morning as my daughter started back at school – I would initiate a free hairdressing scheme for all mothers of girls for the all important “school hair-up” – how can I be expected to compete with those who spent their childhood years plaiting horses’ manes?
Right, that’s enough of power that I’ll never have. What what your agenda be?