I decided this afternoon that I would compile a list of the things which I think are entirely pointless. What is the point of this you may well ask? Well there is no point, it is in itself pointless but it will almost certainly make me feel better! I guess it is along the lines of my “things I find irritating” list – I am hoping perhaps that by expressing these pointless things, I might at some point be able to focus on slightly more important matters like world peace etc (or perhaps I will just find another list of things to compile). So here it is and please feel free to add as you think appropriate – one caveat – this list is by no means exhaustive but is merely a snapshot of what springs to mind as utterly pointless.
- wasps – what or who actually benefits from the existence of wasps? I have wracked my brain and come up with absolutely no-one or anything. They contribute, as far as I know, the sum total of nothing to anyone’s life. Quite the opposite in fact, they detract from the quality of my life, particularly from enjoying lunch al fresco on one of those rare days in this country when the sun peers from behind the clouds.
- various body parts – to be precise I am referring to tonsils, appendix and male nipples. I can honestly say I have never heard anyone, or in the case of nipples any man, say “thank god for my tonsils/appendix/nipples – I would never have survived without them – it was touch and go and thanks to them I pulled through”.
- “Onesies” – please someone explain to me why any fully-grown person would want to dress themselves in an adult version of a babygrow? What could possibly be attractive or remotely appealing about looking like an oversized baby. To be perfectly honest, I actually find “onesies” rather creepy. I reserve particular distaste for novelty “onesies” – is it not bad enough that an adult thinks it is appropriate to dress head to toe in one piece of material (because it so so cosy) without adding novelty ears/antlers or whatever?
- Parsley garnish on restaurant food – don’t get it. Who eats it? I have never seen anyone eat parsley garnish. The first thing everyone does is remove it to the side of their plate. I don’t have a problem with parsley per se but just its use as a totally pointless addition to a perfectly good dish of food. The only reason in my mind ever to garnish with parsley is if you were trying to cover up a rather unpleasant plate of food or one where presentation is rather lacking.
- “Baby on Board” signs in the back window of cars – am I the only person who finds such notices so smug, irritating and pointless that it has the opposite effect on me – I actually drive closer to the car displaying the sign rather than keeping my distance and I find myself feeling irresistibly drawn to swearing more than any mother of 3 of a certain age should do decently.
- Celery – the most pointless foodstuff of all time. It tastes revolting and adds absolutely nothing to anything. Apparently you lose calories eating it but that just has to be one of those urban myths designed to make you feel better about something so pointless in the same vein as being really sick in pregnancy is a sign of a strong pregnancy – seriously?
- Limbo dancing – don’t get me wrong, I like dancing, in fact I like it a lot. However, I fail to see the point in bending backwards progressively to a more extreme degree in order to get under a horizontal bar. Why? What does it prove except that some people are more bendy than others?
- The recorder – how many world famous recorder players can you name? None. I rest my case.
- Bus timetables – buses never arrive on time so why is it helpful to know when a bus should have arrived but didn’t?
- Teaching children to say “thank you” – “aha, strange one” you are thinking. I am not saying that gratitude is unimportant – quite the opposite – but that trying to teach our children to say “thank you” is a pointless way of expressing it. Saying “thank you” is clearly counter-instinctive for humans as this can be the only explanation as to why it appears to be the hardest thing of all for children to learn. If only our ancestors had dispensed of this customary way of expressing gratitude, I could have saved an awful lot of time and energy saying to my children after nearly every utterance, “What do you say? What’s the magic word?” – in my case I reckon on average 20 times a day for the last 8 years. Compared to algebra or the like, it is hardly a difficult concept to grasp but I have yet to meet a child who has mastered this simple response.
- Non-alcoholic wine – completely self-explanatory, I think.
That’s it for now. I am going to help myself to a glass of wine, weighed down with a high alcohol content, and ponder the pointlessness of spending time compiling a list of utterly pointless things.